That kiwi joker from the gentlemans sport

Beers are ready, kiwi mussels are chilling, steaks primed for afterwards, its now time to watch two might titans of world sport go head to head, no mercy shown, remember the past but make the future, that’s right its final time, and you know that that means, sudden death, winners are grinner’s loses are gone for good, you know what I’m talking about, no not the Super 14 finals (but I will be watching “go the Hurricanes”) no I mean Rugby vrs Rugby League, after years of code bashing I can finally sense that the old enemy (Rugby League) is in its death throws, now we just wait for the rattle.

Soon the faithful will once again enjoy one game, the real game, the game they play in heaven, and now Australia will have an extra team in the Super 15 it can be made up from all the well behaved rugby league players, out all the ones in Aussie we can make a up a team of 14

Cheers

That Kiwi Joker

On Klubkiwi “the Kiwi Club”

He Speaks Nuzelund

When I order a L&P and Southern Comfort the Aussie barman say “What” all the time, and when I was in the LA every time I try to order a filled roll its “pardon”, in London I asked for a flat white it was “excuse me” in Egypt they would ask “where are you from?” Id say a kiwi it was “Ha”, but at last I’ve cracked the code, I worked it out, I’m working with a Canadian who struggles to understand me, until I heard him tell someone “its OK he speaks Nuzelund”

Cheers

That Kiwi Joker

On Klubkiwi “the Kiwi Club”

Kiwi Kids have a lot to Learn from Griffins Samplers

I discovered the problem with youth nowadays, they get biscuits in a packet not a tin, you see growing up in New Zealand Mum baked, great stuff, and biscuits we a treat, normally a Christmas gift from Grandparents or a raffle win at the Cossie Club, so we learnt a lot from that magic tin.

Everyone loved the Chocolate ones but you had to finish the whole layer before you got to the next (Patentience)

The Pink Biscuit’s would go soggy if left (Dont waste anything)

The visitor’s get to choose first (Learn to Share) although the buggers always stole the chocolate ones (Greed and Envy)

All the plain ones taste good when dunked in your tea, but don’t dip it for to long or it will drop in (Self Control)

It appears that although Forest Gump had his box of Chocs Kiwis had our Griffins sampler, were kids nowadays can buy a whole packet of chocolate biscuits which is why they are all greedy little spoilt brats with no patentience or self control that need to learn to share and stop wasting things

Cheers

That Kiwi Joker

Sex and rugby for a Kiwi living in Aussie

I guess I’m fairly lucky, in the weekend I got especially lucky, that’s right….. the Hurricanes won in South Africa, I couldn’t watch the game, it was my 21st Wedding anniversary and you know id like to think the victory was my present from the boys, so it was with batted breath that I got up early to watch the TV on Sunday, and I waited for the sports news (I had to suffer through 7 minutes of real news) then AFL, Rugby League, Netball, Bowls, UK soccer, Poker, and then yes then the rugby 15 seconds of rugby even video, but no Hurricanes, not even the other New Zealand teams??? I was left feeling used, all that build up and then an empty feeling of being used

Its tough being a kiwi in Aussie

Cheers

That Kiwi Joker

The feijoa v Steinlager Pure

Like most kiwis I like the odd beer especially those good ol kiwi beers Stella, Heineken etc, but growing up we weren’t so spoilt, as a teenager we had to suffer through Paw (Poor) Lager, named after the taste and the price, Canturbury Daft, Steinlager blue. We were told Steinlager green was export quality so we guessed it meant blue failed the test? We drunk it when it was cheap it just made our head ache and our farts stink, meanwhile even the green which apparently they drunk in New York, London and Paris we just couldn’t afford it.

Now they have released a new version called “Pure” apparently its made with pure New Zealand water from the cleanest planet on earth great and its at the premium end of the market, meaning it costs more, great so as a young fellow what water did they use for the Steiny blue?

Maybe I just have to accept that every kiwi cost more I should know I just paid $7 for a Stienlager and $3 for a feijoa

 

Cheers That Kiwi Joker

Finally a team that can give the All Blacks a run

That Kiwi Joker

You know apart from those silly World Cups (except for 87) the rugby world is dominated by the mighty men in black, sure you get the occasional French ambush or dirty blind side by a Wallaby but for the most part its win, win, win. This has been a burden that as All Black fans we have had to bear, but whats worse is that you don’t change a winning team, so a large group of great players miss out, and then there is a list of players that go on the superannuation tour (playing rugby in the UK or France). Now thanks to have a grown up son, that can afford cable TV, I get watch these players in the UK and I got to thinking maybe instead of playing the Welsh, Irish or even the Poms we could cut down the season and improve the rugby by playing the “Expat Kiwis” to qualify you don’t have to invent a grand mother, our have a DNA test you just have to be a kiwi, so I have appointed myself selector (these guys don’t need a coach), we could probably put them in a Klub Kiwi jersey, anyway here’s this years team.

Full Back: Ben Blair

Wings: Doug Howlett, Rico Gear

Centre: Sonny Bill Williams

2nd Five: Luke Mcalister

First Five: Nick Evans

Halfback: Justin Marshall

Number 8: Mose Tuiali

Blind side: Jerry Collins

Openside: Marty Hollah

Locks: Chris Jack, Paul Tito

Props: Carl Hayman, Greg Sommerville

Hooker: Anton Oliver

Reserves: Rua Tipoki, Byron Kelleher, Ben Blair, Carlos Spencer, That kiwi joker

Cheer that Kiwi Joker

Dear New Zealand I miss you

It starts early up at dawn, draw the curtians back, bugger fine again, out to the the trusty PC to check out the Kiwi News on Klubkiwi.

Then out for a walk along the beach, but choice is a problem, theres only 200km of beach here, after the walk a swim a bit chilly water tempriture 24c wonder what the temperatures back in Wellington?

Time for a coffee from Amy (from Nelson) or Morgan (from Auckland) kiwi girls working here at Piccolo’s showing Aussies how to make coffee, meet with the Flannery’s (kiwis), then meeting the Mortgage broker Bryan (from Hawkesbay) for lunch, served by a Kiwi but had to make it quick got to get to the market to get the kai for the weekend, at the market we buy the veges from the kiwi lady from Nelson and then pick up the New Zealand fish, need to get home to watch the New Zealand news of Sky News at 2, after that I shot out to pick up a Kiwi Red and some Tui’s on my way to meet my Accountant (Kiwi) but cut meeting short to go to the rugby club (Nerang Bulls) 100 kiwis 4 Aussies home in time to watch a re run of the Crusaders vs Hurricanes on the Telly

Gee I miss home

Cheers The Kiwi Joker

The hard life of a Kiwi Expat on the Gold Coast

Warriors make you Proud to be Kiwi

It was with pride that I went to my draw to pull ot my Wellington Ranfurly Shield sweatshirt that I brought from Helenstiens Upper Hutt in August 1981, I had saved it knowing that one day I would wear it again with pride, problem is I was 14 at the time, and now im a fat bastard it looks a little silly but bugger it. Id kept it because although we lost it when those nasty Cantabs knocked out our kicker, we were all confident that we would get it back…………..did realise that we would have to wait 27 years, well done to the boys, “you cant beat Wellington on a good day”

News in Aussie this week that in a poll Sonny Bill Williams is more hated by Aussies than the Bali Bombers, this just scientifically proves that Aussie are out cast criminal fuckwits

The Warriors win over the Storm was a bottler, but then to back it up with another upset win over the Sydney Roosters mean that Kiwis just keep raining on the Rugby League parade, and regardless of this weekend results they made us proud to be kiwi

Cheers

That Kiwi Joker

Wellington Ranfurly Shield

Sonny Bill Williams More Hated than the Bali Bomber?

Warriors make you Proud to be Kiwi

Kiwi Weekend in Heaven

What a weekend! Saturday was all rugby, started with the Nerang Bulls Under 20 Colts winning their way to the finals in the Morning, followed by a trip to Brisbane to watch the All Blacks dominate world rugby with an easy win over the Wallabies.

And now I get to look forward to the Nerang Colts in the Grand Final and Wellington in a Ranfurly Sheild challenge, in sex terminology this is a multiple orgasm.

What an atmosphere at Suncorp, probably a little less than half of crowd were kiwis but by the time the presentation was on it was 100% kiwis as the Aussie crowd headed off to drown their sorrows.

If you have ever wonder why rugby is so important to kiwis, the fervor of the All Blacks fans at the game is directly related to our sense of pride in being Kiwis away from home

The Rugby world is back in order

Cheers

That Kiwi Joker

An All Black Army on the Move

Its hard being a kiwi in Aussie, many kiwis are subject to ridicule (picked on for the South Islanders), forced to live amongst Aussies, expensive crappy seafood and the bloody heat. We get sheep shagged joked out, we get “five, sux” ha ha ha bloody ha.

Living behind enemy lines is never easy, even with some high placed kiwi spies, our resistance has mainly been restricted to listening to Kiwi radio on www.klubkiwi.com, and assisting kiwis shot down over enemy lines (i.e Sonny Bill “Got Away” Williams), we have all payed a price for “the Great Escape” 

But the tide is changing our mighty Kiwi battalion lead by that cunning strategist General Henry & put in to action by Captain Richie’s All Black Special Services and ably supported by plane loads of the Kiwi battalion it is time for the resistance to come out of hiding once again, for the true battle for the Southern Hemisphere.

The Resistance should dress in Black and rendezvous (meet Aucklanders) at Suncorp Stadium (Kiwi Stadium if victory comes our way)

We will lose some, we know some may not make it past the Caxton Street pubs, and we may lose a few more to the stadium bars, and many more will be locked out by the Aussie officialdom who can’t build a stadium big enough for a battle like this, but when the National anthem starts, the resistance will sing like they have never sung before, because it is times like this its great to be a kiwi in Aussie   Kia kaha

Cheers

That Kiwi Joker